...of man or of God?

"There are so many laws, rules, and formulas out there for moms that can pile up burdens of guilt on any mom. I think this is why Jesus was so harsh in His condemnation of the Pharisees actions and attitudes. Living by performance always kills our souls because none of us are perfect mothers, and we will fail in some areas, so we need to live by God's approval and mercy to feel His grace." 

The moment I found out I was pregnant the research began. I was bound to have the healthiest pregnancy and be the best mom. I was going to do it all by the book- whatever they told me was best for my baby I was going to do it.

Fast forward to Gage at around 5 months- I'm in the living room crying, covering my ears as he screams from his crib in our bedroom. Ryan is watching the clock and informing me when the five minutes is up and I can go in and at least touch and comfort him. In that moment I exhaustion and complete failure, I wanted to throw my hands in the air and give up. My baby wasn't sleeping. I'd rock for hours and the moment I laid him down- POP! The eyes came open and the screaming began. The experts told me Cry It Out (and I know it totally works for others and I am in no way judging CIO parents) but it just didn't work for us. The next night he was in bed with us and sleeping 11 hrs straight.

I was so hard on myself at first for giving in. But why, Kaysi??

Who makes up these rules that you "have to follow as a parent or else you feel guilty"? Is your baby happy? YES. Are you happy? YES. Point proven.

That's just one example of many. There are so many "rules" or expectations for moms. Even on what we feed our families, how we decorate our homes, how we dress our children.

It can be quite exhausting trying to keep up with it all and fit the mold.

Galatians 1:10 

For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God?....

This kinda slapped me in the face- after a few weeks of feeling inadequate as a mom, a wife, and just a woman in today's world in general. Who am I trying to impress here?

Am I seeking God- or the newest edition of Parenting magazine? Am I spending my time comparing my marriage to others or am I seeking God and asking him how to be the wife He wants me to be. 

The Bible needs to be my go-to again instead of Google.

It's an easy trap to get caught in.

But this morning I woke early, had a cup of coffee, and spent some time in the Word. I let The Lord speak to me and just soaked in His love for me and asked him to mold me into a woman whose desire was to please HIM before anyone else.

Wouldn't our homes be a happier place if they were filled with wives and mamas who were filled with the Holy Spirit and delighting in The Lord, instead of ones discouraged and bogged down by the expectations and comparisons we place on ourselves? I know mine would.

Soak It Up, Mama

I hear pounding on the carpet of dirty little knees crawling as fast as they can to their next destination. I could sigh as I follow behind the diapered booty for the 100th time today as he goes to get into something, anything. But I choose to smile and soak in the sound, as I know in a few weeks it could very well be the little  patter of two tiny feet echoing through my house.

He is a little man tonight. Eating bites of a cheeseburger, drinking from a straw, and reaching for another spoonful of ice cream. We sing "This Little Light of Mine" on our Sonic run to keep him happy and his little finger is just shaking back and forth in the back seat. 

He still has to be rocked to sleep. Some nights I just want him to crash so I can go spend some downtime with the hubby, but we rock on. Soak it up, mama. He looks us to you with that crooked little grin and then nurses until he falls asleep- his little hand on your chest. Soak it up.

I want to keep him my baby forever. His slobbery kisses and warm cuddles melt my heart. But I also dream of the months and years to come and how he will grow and how my love for him will as well. 

I don't understand why God chose me to be his Mom. I fail daily, I feel inadequate at times, and I may not do things according to the book. But God knew I needed him, and in return he needs me. We are a team. I am his biggest fan, and cheer him on even on the tiniest accomplishments. And he teaches me how to love. How to open my heart and feel. How to put my needs last. 

I am so grateful. So so grateful.

Soak it up. 

These are the days.

Here Lately...

Wow I'm not so good at this whole blogging thing. It's been too long. We currently don't have wifi at the house and of course when I'm not able to sit down and type on the keyboard to share what's on my mind- that's when I have the urge too! Lately there have been many things on my mind that I just want to share and make sense of it in my head as I write it out and hit the "publish" button.

But here I am. Sitting at my parents' house bumming off of their wifi. No, I didn't drive over just to have Internet access. Our AC went out yesterday and you better believe I'll make the drive for some cool air. How did they do it back in the day- especially raising a family?!? Gage ran around the house naked the majority of yesterday resulting in cleaning up two wet spots on the carpet. Just pee, thank The Lord!

Now I'll play catch up.

Summer is coming to an end. I have just worked one (short) day this summer and going back to two full ones away from my baby boy will be an adjustment. Although it is nice to have time to feel like a professional for a few hours. Running around the house with frazzled hair and a frazzled brain chasing a speed crawling, pulling up, eating everything baby can almost make me forget there is a put together woman in there somewhere. 

Who I am kidding?

 The business slacks and heels just make me look the part. Those two days are nice and I love what I do, but I'd choose being a SAHM 10 times out of 10 if given the choice. I think it's the perfect balance- 2 days working to give me some sanity and some extra cash and being at home with Gage every other day. God definitely opened the doors for this job opportunity and I am thankful.

We made sooo many sweet memories this summer, though! I will cherish them forever.

Speaking of business slacks- I may need to invest in some new ones because this mama is down 8 more lbs as of today! Today marked the end of our 6 week weight loss challenge "A Little Less To Love" hosted by Beth, a good friend who blogs over at http://bethbranstetter.blogspot.com (check it out- her blog is a fave of mine!) It was JUST what I needed to get back on track. In the past 6 weeks I have started running again and that in itself is worth it all to me! Running isn't just to get skinny for me- its a stress reliever and time to just get out and clear my head. It's always usually a great time of worship for me as I love to listen to Elevation Worship on Pandora. I quit running around 12 weeks of pregnancy with Gage and to be back in the groove FINALLY does my heart some good! 

I am following the C25K program. I love it because I have a plan and a goal each day, opposed to just going out and trying to push myself to run a certain distance. This program moves fairly quickly and it allowed me to push my body to get back in shape and to feel strong again! I'm halfway thru week 6 now and this morning I ran two miles! Moving on up! My goal is to run a 5K this fall.

Eating is still a struggle for me, as I love food and I'm still nursing Gage so I always feel hungry!  But we have tried some new healthy recipes and if I just keep my mind off my crazy carb carb cravings I can do pretty well. 

I'm still selling ItWorks and LOVING it! The products are so healthy and make me feel so great so it's something I love sharing with others. Want to wrap? Want some Greens? Hit me up!

So that's where I'm at.

Some days I wish I could just get out, go on a shopping spree with Starbucks in hand, my girls on my right and left, wearing some designer jeans, without a care in the world. Or remodel my house. Or have  a full time job with lots of cash to spend however I want. Or have some fancy spa day. Heck, just having time to paint my nails would be nice. But then I'm reminded the reason I'm longing for things like that is because my focus is on ME. And I remember that in this season of my life as a young wife and mom I am called to SELFLESSNESS. To put the needs of others over my selfish desires that I only think will bring me happiness. When in reality, SERVING my family and delighting in The Lord during this special season will bring true JOY. 

There is no greater calling, no greater job, no greater joy in anything this world likes to make me think I'm "missing out on". God has placed me in these roles to serve my boys, and on the days where my mind feels bogged down and longing for something I just can't pinpoint- that's when I will take my focus off of me and onto HIM.

Sin Has Lost Its Power!

Sin has lost its power.
Death has lost its sting.
From the grave you've risen, victoriously!

We sang those words last night at Camp Siloam. Ryan and I drove 2 hours last night to attend the evening service at a place that is very special to the both of us. Ryan went every summer since he was 6 or 7 and I went all of my Jr High and high school years. There is no place like it- a place where the spirit of the Lord dwells and you can guarantee to be changed! All while having a BLAST.

On the way over we chatted about remembering seeing one another at camp throughout the years. And how we never really talked but always knew of each other. So many life changing summers we spent at the same camp, with similar friends, but it was years later that our patches actually crosses.... and now we can go back to this special place, together this time.

This year was particularly special as we brought Gage for the first time. He slept all 2 hours over- PTL!

I wish I could say I got to enjoy the service completely, but Gage woke up ready to play- not be quiet and sit contently :) But I did get to enjoy some worship music before we had to make our exit!

Marvelous Light is a song I've sang many of times but these words struck a chord in my heart last night.

Sin has lost its power.
Death has lost its sting.

I sat there thinking of the victory we have as children of God- all because Jesus died and rose again for us. Victory that I don't always cling to.

We have victory over SIN. It no longer has to entangle us and bind us down. We have the choice to allow Jesus to set us free and it loses it's power over us. We can experience freedom in our lives and start living a life more abundant.

I felt guilt as I began to sing and think on those lyrics. Sure from the outside looking in you might not notice any "horrible sins" that are present in my life- but the little, private ones have slowly snuck in.

My attitude? My tongue?
My neglect of Gods word in my life?

God wants to give me victory over sin, even in the tiny areas of my life. And He does that when I begin to submerge myself in His word and seek His presence.

I have let my tongue reign free lately- in my closest relationships. I haven't experienced victory over that, and it constantly proves the power that I'm allowing it to have in my life as I can easily snap at my husband or get frustrated with others. And that's just one example of the many I battle.

I think those lyrics moved me to see what I could be experiencing in Christ and what I'm limiting myself to.

I can let life get me so caught up in everyday things that I forget. I forget what a more joyfilled, abundant lfe i coukd be living. I can claim the victory over these sins that entangle me- ones that I haven't even realized until now!

Ryan and I talked on the way home about what we want spiritually for our family. We are ready for renewal and refreshment and to allow God to exhibit His power in our lives!

What sin, even small ones, have power in your life? Jesus is ready to give you the victory!

I am ready to live a victorious life!

10 Months

My baby,

You are now a big boy. The little baby stage is over as you are now crawling like crazy, pulling up on everything, and standing alone for seconds at a time. It catches me off guard sometimes and tears just well up. I can't believe how big, smart, funny, and mobile you are. You are the joy of our lives, son.

You love to wave and say "hiiiii" and "byyyeee". You say "mama", "dada", you try to say Jack but it comes out "cckkkk". You make so many noises but your favorite is "brrrrmmmm". Anytime you see a truck, boat, wheeler, or toy that has wheels you make that noise.

We can ask you things like where is Jack, where are the deer (Grump's mounted deer), where is Daddy, etc. and you know where to look. When I hear Daddy pull up I'll say "Daddy's here!!!" and you stop what you are doing and stare at the door until he walks in!

You are eating lots of table food and not liking purees near as much. Last night you had cous cous, mixed veggies, and sweet potatoes. You ate til you were stuffed! Other favorites are whole grain mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, bananas, and you LOVE the little cheese puff baby snacks. I think you would eat a whole can at once if I'd let you.

We spent a lot of time at the lake this past month- the camper was there for 3 weeks and we went and stayed as much as we could. I cannot believe what a lake baby you are! You love sitting on the rocks and splashing in the water and letting the waves hit you, playing in the rocks (and trying to eat them aka: give mom a heart attack), taking walks all over the campground in your stroller, and sitting out in your highchair and enjoying the outdoors. You were the perfect camper, and you loved taking your naps in your play pen under the cool AC of the camper. You should see the tan you have! You are such a little brownie!

You also love to swim in your kiddie pool since it's been so hot out! You just splash and splash. I fed you ice from a sonic drink the other day while you swam and you didnt' want me to stop! You would have swam and ate ice for hours :)

Since you have been so mobile you have got your first few bruises. Your first, you crawled over to the table and was shaking a chair leg and your hand slipped= big bruise on your cheek. Daddy was watching you and he felt so horrible. Yesterday, you pulled up on the door and fell forwards down in and scraped your forehead. I was watching you and felt just as bad! It's hard to see you get little knocks and bangs, but you are learning and they haven't kept you down long! Unless we start oooing and aahing over it and then you really play it up and cry... you love the attention and to be felt sorry for LOL.

You love riding the Big Red at Grumps and Gram's house. You love for Poppy to show you his big trucks and how to honk the horn. You are getting really attached to your grandparents and I love seeing that bond form. They are spoiling you already!

You had your 10 month doctor's appointment and you weighed in at 20 lbs even and 27.5 inches! Growing like a weed and getting chubby! We laugh that you have a booty like Daddy & a belly like Mama! :)

Our days together as so fun, you are learning so much all the time. You crawl EVERYWHERE and from room to room now. I have to watch because you love picking things up off the carpet and trying to eat them. You also love going in your walker! You are like a mad man in it, running everywhere. You have reverse down and can steer like a pro :) You love to get mama's red spoon and play with it- if anyone tries to take it from you it's not a pretty sight!

Gram has taught you how to point your little pointer finger and shake it when we say "no no no".  You love to scold Jack! The other day I was trying to give you a kiss while you were in your car seat and as I leaned in you shook that little finger at me! So funny! Besides scolding things, you use it to point and touch everything.

We love you, Stinker! You make everyday special and fun, and you are the light of our lives!

Mama & Daddy

In the Quiet

I just took a long hot shower, of which are hard to come by these days. Ryan went to bed with Gage and let me stay up to pamper myself. Blogging, which is also hard to come by, felt right so here I am.

I feel like I have been quiet lately.

Like I don't have words to offer. On my blog, to others, to God.

But I'm learning that in the quiet I can grow.
I can sit back and see God at work in my life.
My words aren't extravagant, but simple.

Thank you, Lord.

I am proud of you, Ryan.

Mama loves you, Gage.

Simple but enough.

In the quiet I can be still and know that He is God.

And maybe someday soon He'll fill my mouth with words that can impact others, shine a light, or really touch someone's heart.

For now, I feel like I'm in a season of growth. I want to thank God and see Him in the little things. I want to be quiet and bask in His presence and love.

Goodnight, friends.

Lake Adventures

It's Sunday afternoon and I'm laying in the camper with Gage as he naps while listening to the old AC buzz. Life has been so simple here.

I needed this getaway! We brought the camper over last weekend and are leaving it through the 7th of July. We have all come and gone as we like, but most of Ryan's family has spent the weekends here.

I was worried how Gage would do at the lake, but he has loved it from day one!

He won't let us put him in his little floater anymore but he loves to sit on the edge of the water and let the waves come splash him as he digs for rocks and splashes his little hands in the water! He just squeals with delight! It almost always wears him out and so we will come back to camp, dry off, and I'll rock him to sleep. He has slept right under the AC and it's humming sound and cool air makes for some great (long) naps!

When we aren't swimming or napping, he has loved to take walks all around the campground. He loves going to the water and seeing boats where he'll go "brrrmmm brrmmmm" with his little lips (aka: his favorite noise to make)!!

The playground isn't too far from our camp and he has played on it and made a lot of new little friends. You should have seen it! They all surrounded him and kissed his little legs and then would jump around and make him laugh! We even let the 5 year old take him down the slide :)

Ryan and I have got to have some adventures on the boat and jet ski while Shirley has kept an eye on Gage while he napped! I still like hanging out with that guy, believe it or not :) One thing I love about Ryan is that he "knows how I do everything", or so I tell him! He takes care of us so well and I love that about him!

We have had friends and family out to grill, we have made s'mores, ran into town for some speciality pizza, lounged in lawn chairs, sun bathed, and drank way too much pop (Gage included!)... but it has been a great time and we have made great memories! I love doing life with these people I call mine.