...of man or of God?

"There are so many laws, rules, and formulas out there for moms that can pile up burdens of guilt on any mom. I think this is why Jesus was so harsh in His condemnation of the Pharisees actions and attitudes. Living by performance always kills our souls because none of us are perfect mothers, and we will fail in some areas, so we need to live by God's approval and mercy to feel His grace." 

The moment I found out I was pregnant the research began. I was bound to have the healthiest pregnancy and be the best mom. I was going to do it all by the book- whatever they told me was best for my baby I was going to do it.

Fast forward to Gage at around 5 months- I'm in the living room crying, covering my ears as he screams from his crib in our bedroom. Ryan is watching the clock and informing me when the five minutes is up and I can go in and at least touch and comfort him. In that moment I exhaustion and complete failure, I wanted to throw my hands in the air and give up. My baby wasn't sleeping. I'd rock for hours and the moment I laid him down- POP! The eyes came open and the screaming began. The experts told me Cry It Out (and I know it totally works for others and I am in no way judging CIO parents) but it just didn't work for us. The next night he was in bed with us and sleeping 11 hrs straight.

I was so hard on myself at first for giving in. But why, Kaysi??

Who makes up these rules that you "have to follow as a parent or else you feel guilty"? Is your baby happy? YES. Are you happy? YES. Point proven.

That's just one example of many. There are so many "rules" or expectations for moms. Even on what we feed our families, how we decorate our homes, how we dress our children.

It can be quite exhausting trying to keep up with it all and fit the mold.

Galatians 1:10 

For am I now seeking the approval of man or of God?....

This kinda slapped me in the face- after a few weeks of feeling inadequate as a mom, a wife, and just a woman in today's world in general. Who am I trying to impress here?

Am I seeking God- or the newest edition of Parenting magazine? Am I spending my time comparing my marriage to others or am I seeking God and asking him how to be the wife He wants me to be. 

The Bible needs to be my go-to again instead of Google.

It's an easy trap to get caught in.

But this morning I woke early, had a cup of coffee, and spent some time in the Word. I let The Lord speak to me and just soaked in His love for me and asked him to mold me into a woman whose desire was to please HIM before anyone else.

Wouldn't our homes be a happier place if they were filled with wives and mamas who were filled with the Holy Spirit and delighting in The Lord, instead of ones discouraged and bogged down by the expectations and comparisons we place on ourselves? I know mine would.

Soak It Up, Mama

I hear pounding on the carpet of dirty little knees crawling as fast as they can to their next destination. I could sigh as I follow behind the diapered booty for the 100th time today as he goes to get into something, anything. But I choose to smile and soak in the sound, as I know in a few weeks it could very well be the little  patter of two tiny feet echoing through my house.

He is a little man tonight. Eating bites of a cheeseburger, drinking from a straw, and reaching for another spoonful of ice cream. We sing "This Little Light of Mine" on our Sonic run to keep him happy and his little finger is just shaking back and forth in the back seat. 

He still has to be rocked to sleep. Some nights I just want him to crash so I can go spend some downtime with the hubby, but we rock on. Soak it up, mama. He looks us to you with that crooked little grin and then nurses until he falls asleep- his little hand on your chest. Soak it up.

I want to keep him my baby forever. His slobbery kisses and warm cuddles melt my heart. But I also dream of the months and years to come and how he will grow and how my love for him will as well. 

I don't understand why God chose me to be his Mom. I fail daily, I feel inadequate at times, and I may not do things according to the book. But God knew I needed him, and in return he needs me. We are a team. I am his biggest fan, and cheer him on even on the tiniest accomplishments. And he teaches me how to love. How to open my heart and feel. How to put my needs last. 

I am so grateful. So so grateful.

Soak it up. 

These are the days.

Here Lately...

Wow I'm not so good at this whole blogging thing. It's been too long. We currently don't have wifi at the house and of course when I'm not able to sit down and type on the keyboard to share what's on my mind- that's when I have the urge too! Lately there have been many things on my mind that I just want to share and make sense of it in my head as I write it out and hit the "publish" button.

But here I am. Sitting at my parents' house bumming off of their wifi. No, I didn't drive over just to have Internet access. Our AC went out yesterday and you better believe I'll make the drive for some cool air. How did they do it back in the day- especially raising a family?!? Gage ran around the house naked the majority of yesterday resulting in cleaning up two wet spots on the carpet. Just pee, thank The Lord!

Now I'll play catch up.

Summer is coming to an end. I have just worked one (short) day this summer and going back to two full ones away from my baby boy will be an adjustment. Although it is nice to have time to feel like a professional for a few hours. Running around the house with frazzled hair and a frazzled brain chasing a speed crawling, pulling up, eating everything baby can almost make me forget there is a put together woman in there somewhere. 

Who I am kidding?

 The business slacks and heels just make me look the part. Those two days are nice and I love what I do, but I'd choose being a SAHM 10 times out of 10 if given the choice. I think it's the perfect balance- 2 days working to give me some sanity and some extra cash and being at home with Gage every other day. God definitely opened the doors for this job opportunity and I am thankful.

We made sooo many sweet memories this summer, though! I will cherish them forever.

Speaking of business slacks- I may need to invest in some new ones because this mama is down 8 more lbs as of today! Today marked the end of our 6 week weight loss challenge "A Little Less To Love" hosted by Beth, a good friend who blogs over at http://bethbranstetter.blogspot.com (check it out- her blog is a fave of mine!) It was JUST what I needed to get back on track. In the past 6 weeks I have started running again and that in itself is worth it all to me! Running isn't just to get skinny for me- its a stress reliever and time to just get out and clear my head. It's always usually a great time of worship for me as I love to listen to Elevation Worship on Pandora. I quit running around 12 weeks of pregnancy with Gage and to be back in the groove FINALLY does my heart some good! 

I am following the C25K program. I love it because I have a plan and a goal each day, opposed to just going out and trying to push myself to run a certain distance. This program moves fairly quickly and it allowed me to push my body to get back in shape and to feel strong again! I'm halfway thru week 6 now and this morning I ran two miles! Moving on up! My goal is to run a 5K this fall.

Eating is still a struggle for me, as I love food and I'm still nursing Gage so I always feel hungry!  But we have tried some new healthy recipes and if I just keep my mind off my crazy carb carb cravings I can do pretty well. 

I'm still selling ItWorks and LOVING it! The products are so healthy and make me feel so great so it's something I love sharing with others. Want to wrap? Want some Greens? Hit me up!

So that's where I'm at.

Some days I wish I could just get out, go on a shopping spree with Starbucks in hand, my girls on my right and left, wearing some designer jeans, without a care in the world. Or remodel my house. Or have  a full time job with lots of cash to spend however I want. Or have some fancy spa day. Heck, just having time to paint my nails would be nice. But then I'm reminded the reason I'm longing for things like that is because my focus is on ME. And I remember that in this season of my life as a young wife and mom I am called to SELFLESSNESS. To put the needs of others over my selfish desires that I only think will bring me happiness. When in reality, SERVING my family and delighting in The Lord during this special season will bring true JOY. 

There is no greater calling, no greater job, no greater joy in anything this world likes to make me think I'm "missing out on". God has placed me in these roles to serve my boys, and on the days where my mind feels bogged down and longing for something I just can't pinpoint- that's when I will take my focus off of me and onto HIM.