expectations.

The holidays are coming up! My favorite time of year. But lately, I haven't been feeling too much "peace on earth" and definitely haven't had many "silent nights". HA! 

I know I'm not alone in this, as it seems to be a theme among my mama friends as well. A sense of overwhelming-ness (is that a word?) that we just can't seem to shake. And I think I've pinpointed that feelings. It's a whisper that says "do more, be more, do more, be more". And it's always speaking to me.

That little whisper seems to affect me a lot. It doesn't let me sit down often. At the end of the day so many times Ryan says "Love, come sit down with me! Let's just relax!" but I'm scurrying away tidying up dinner or straightening the house. Other times I feel the pressure to craft, bake, sew, create with my kids NONSTOP. Engage them, educate them, etc. I mean hello, we're supposed to be a Pinterest mom, right??

NO. NO. NO.

Since when did I let these wordly expectations creep in? It wasn't until this week I discovered they were tucked in there, but I had to get to the bottom of the discontented feeling I was battling.

And you know what I realized?

GOD says
"BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I'M GOD".

But when I listen to that little voice, I don't give myself a chance to do so. 

I miss God so often, due to myself DOING MORE & attempting to BE MORE.

GOD says
"YOU ARE ENOUGH. COME REST IN ME."

And finally, I can take a deep breath and breathe Him in.

PEACE. REST. ACCEPTANCE. LOVE.

Ladies, God isn't calling us to perfection or Pinterest-esque lives. The expectations we have for ourselves keep us from hearing HIS still small voice that says to slow down and be thankful for what we have. It says we're enough and we don't have to do anything besides follow after him. It says to stop trying so hard to be a GOOD mom and just focus on being a GODLY one; to seek JOY instead of momentary happiness in earthly things.

The last few days I've focused on being still and letting God speak to my heart. I spent more time outside and less time obsessing over housework. I spent less time on structure and more on cuddles and kisses and staring at my beautiful babies. I spent less time on social media! I spent more time feeling His presence in the breeze, singing worship, and loving my life AS IT IS THIS VERY MOMENT.

Let's let go of our expectations that make us feel like we can't rest, can't stop, can't ever be enough. And be still long enough to KNOW that
He is GOD
 and in Him
WE ARE ENOUGH.

(fall)ing even more in love with you.

Fall is here and the leaves seem to be at their peak this week. We have spent many of hours on our front porch with coffee in hand, taking leisurely walks down our dirt road, and on a blanket with books in the front yard. I have been intentional about stopping what I'm doing and taking time to soak in the beautiful outdoors lately, because if I don't it's so easy to get caught up in housework and to-do lists that the day passes and we haven't even ventured outside! And that's a pretty good excuse to let the housework slide!

 

I no longer feel the overwhelming sense of adjusting, but feel settled in as a mom of two. If I didn't feel fully like a mom before, I sure do now. My feet hit the floor in the morning and don't stop until long after our littles are tucked away in bed. I wouldn't change a thing; although I totally get the quote "being a mom has made me so tired and so happy".

 

I caught Ryan & I laughing the other day at newlyweds. For so long I felt like one, even two & three years into our marriage.... but now? We have promoted to the old married couple a seasoned couple. To me, it's better. I sense a strength in our love now- one that runs deep. A security, a safe place, a constant. Now before you think we have the perfect life- our recent date nights have consisted driving into town while the kids sleep, ordering take out, and eating it in the car while they snooze. We've decided it's so much easier than tackling 2 kids in a restaurant and it makes for more quality conversation (aka: peace and quiet). And I guess that's it- before it was all glamour and romance and now it's simple, everyday moments but togetherness and laughter and embracing our crazy, busy, messy life together.

 

This weekend we got fall family pictures which was so fun because I'm usually behind the camera so to capture us as a family was great! Samantha Smith (Samantha Smith Photography) out of Ozark did them and we are so so thankful. Gage was not super cooperative and by looking at the images, you'd never know! She worked her magic!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love (fall)ing ever more in love with my family every day.

My goal is to soak up all that's left of fall because in just a few weeks we will be in the Christmas season full force (what?!?). I don't think I'm quite ready for that- I need just a few more pumpkin spice lattes first ;)

Today was good.

Today I was either crazy or superwoman, you pick. I braved the pouring rain and took both kids by myself for a day of shopping at Branson. I have to hand it to the kids, they were angels much to my surprise! But holy cow, loading and unloading 2 kids 500 times and going in and out of stores, potty breaks, & never having enough hands when trying to checkout, push the cart while holding an infant and never take my eyes off the sprinting toddler..... WHEW. I totally burned all the calories I inhaled at Chic-fil-A.

Speaking of that place, we are in love. FINALLY we have one close enough we can indulge in- and Gage loves the play place. Today he kept stopping to yell "HI MOMMY" every time he climbed to the top of the slide- which was a lot- and wave this huge wave at me, a mere 2 feet away. He melts my heart. Of course I yelled "HI BABY" back proudly each time. I hope he always loves that I'm his biggest fan.

Sister hung out with me and kicked and squealed as she watched the kids play. She may or may not have shared a peach milkshake with me.

All in all, today was a wonderful day with my littles. Almost 5 months in to being a mommy of 2 and I'm just feeling comfortable (or crazy) enough to get out and about on my own with them. I do know it's not for the weary of heart-- and I wonder how I'm going to do it with all 5 of the kids I dream of? (Just kidding, Ryan.)

Oh and while I'm here can I just share a few moments I want to remember with these two kids of mine? I'm definitely starting to see the bond between them. Saylor is all heart eyes for Gage and watches his every move and he is Mr. Protector when it comes to his sister. He calls her "sister" "sissy" and "tater bug".

Me: Gage, who are you going to marry when you grow up?
Gage: (sitting in between us) you and Daddy (he pulls us in, one with each arm, and gives us a big hug)
#heartmelted

Saylor: (laughing and playing with her toys in her Bumbo seat, oblivious that Gage just got a spanking).
Gage: (looks and sees her smiling as he is crying over his spanking) IT'S NOT FUNNY SAYLOR! IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!!!!!

Gage: HERS WAKING UP! (always on car seat patrol to make sure she is sleeping still)

Gage: Yous cute sissy.

Tonight as I laid in bed cuddling with Gage:
Me: I love you.
Gage: I love you too.
Me: I love you so much.
Gage: I love you so much too.
Me: Thanks for being such a good helper today.
Gage: Thanks for buying me my prize.
gaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh he is the sweetest little feller.

Chapters

I love how life comes in chapters, so it seems. 

When I was around 15 I became serious about waiting for my future husband. I prayed often for him and prayed that God would "write my love story". It was fun seeing my life unfold like a book, God as the author and myself as the main character. I prayed that I would always allow God to hold the pen. 

Since then I've tried to grab the pen back many of times. Sometimes in anger. Sometimes in confusion. Sometimes in impatience. 

Thankfully, God always reminds me that His way- His story- for my life is best; and I hand back the pen before I've made too much of mess of things. 

Who am I kidding, I'm a mess. 

SUCH A MESS.

Which brings me back to the point.....

In each "chapter" of my life thus far, although they have been totally different and life changing in their own way, there have been challenges specific to that chapter that makes me rely on God even more than before.

In high school- a conviction of purity when it wasn't popular; college decisions

In college- praying for direction in my life/career; praying for my future husband

In marriage- learning to love selflessly and realizing my own selfishness & insecurities

In mothering- sacrificing my body, my time, my career for a tiny person

Those are just some of the things I've found that have shown me my ever-growing need for an ever-loving God

In the thick of each chapter there have been many times I have wanted to quit. I felt confused, frustrated, unqualified, alone. And I found myself runnig to God. 

Lately there are days where I haven't brushed my teeth or hair, I have a screaming baby in my arms, and I'm wondering how in the world I need to handle the fact that my 2 year old just dumped his whole plate of food on the floor after I nicely asked him to "not make a mess". On my own I feel clueless and SO impatient, sometimes quick to anger. But if in those moments I can take a deep breath and ask for God's help, I feel instantly calmer and assured that I CAN DO THIS. I love how God uses the messiness of my life to draw me to Him. 

Each chapter has left me relying on God in it's own way, with it's own challenges. And for each chapter that's past I look back and thank Him for the challenges. They helped me know Him- and myself- so much more.

So right now I'm learning to how to be a mama of 2... and somedays I don't know how I'm going to make it until Daddy gets home from work. But I find myself asking God for help much more these days. I find myself relying on HIS STRENGTH to get me through. I find myself asking for HIS WISDOM to parent these babies and raise them right. I find myself thanking Him over and over for HIS BLESSINGS on my life as I look at the 2 most precious kiddos I've ever seen. 

What chapter are you in? How are you being drawn near to God during this time?

One Month/ 30 Months

Dear Saylor,

One month has already come and gone. It's so surreal having you here! We dreamt of you for 9 months, our little girl, and now you are in our arms. We haven't stopped saying "she's so pretty!" since you were born- all 3 of us are smitten with you.

You were 7.10 at birth and 19.5 inches long. At 3 weeks you were 8.11 and 20 inches long. Yay for mama's milk- which you love. You are such a little piggy and have been from the get-go. We laugh at what a mess you are- you're either spitting up or making diapers ;) And then you're ready to eat again!

You have been a wonderful sleeper from the beginning. With your big bro I was up all hours of the night, but you usually wake up once at night and then an early morning feed and right back to sleep. I keep thinking I'm going to jinx myself bragging on you- but I have to say you've been a pretty easy baby so far! Thankfully since I have Gagey Poo to chase after this time around.

You love:
eating
bath time
being swaddled
being held
the Ergo carrier

You hate:
sleeping on your back in your crib
being put down
Uncle Trevor (JUST KIDDING- but we laugh because almost every time he holds you, you scream! We know you will learn to love him though!)

We have got out a few times and took walks and you had your first trip to the park one warm day. You stretched out in the sunshine! Flu season is almost over and then we're gonna get out and about, girlfriend. We can't wait to show you to the world :)

--------------

Gagey,

You are a mess.
You have adjusted so well to being a big brother. I'm so so so so so proud of you.

Being in the hospital for 3 days and leaving you for the first time overnight was soooo hard on me. I cried like a baby when I got back to you. You will always be the one who made me a mama and have a very special place in my heart.

I think the terrible 2's have definitely hit, or else you've started trying to earn back some of the attention that you were used to (all of it LOL). But we are working through it together. And most of the time your dad and I can't help but laugh when you look away. Ornery would be the correct term for you right now!

Some favorite quotes:
"That's not my favorite kind"
"POP AND CANDY"
"Dadgumit" --We blame Mater and Poppy lol
"Better not"
"I want sumptin"

Things you love:
taking walks- you can go so far! last week you walked the whole way on our hike- probably almost 2 miles!!!
playing in mud puddles
candy & pop
riding the "bucking bull" aka: Daddy
playdates with your friends
going to church
your train table- your imagination has came to life in the past month & you love your table with all your little action figures and trucks/tractors/trains. you can play and play and play with "farmer brown, dr. simon, ninja turtle,
the big bad wolf
ALL of your grandparents (you are blessed)
making sound effects
"popsicle and a game!" (our nightly tradition)
sleeping in our bed
kissing your sister

Favorite foods:
cheeseburgers, french fries, cheese sticks, blueberries

Favorite color:
green

Currently learning:
ABCs, Shapes, & Counting- you have about mastered Colors!

Favorite Movies:
Fox & the Hound, VeggieTales, PawPatrol

You are a night owl. You don't go to sleep til around 10:30 and it's SO hard to get you to sleep, child. You never have been a good sleeper, but we love you anyway :)

Those are just a few things you've been up to lately. You are such an ornery mess and totally all boy- and we wouldn't have you ANY OTHER WAY.

Love you two,
Mommy

Saylor's Birth Story

Wednesday morning we went in for my scheduled OB appointment. I was 39 weeks and 4 days. Ryan took me because the roads still had snow on them. Shirley kept Gage & we took off.

I was exhausted. The past week and a half I'd been having constant contractions. 2 times I was ready to jump into the truck and head to the hospital after having 2+ hours of contractions 3-5 minutes apart... but they would just never pick up in intensity and then would die back down. I'd continue contracting every 15-20 minutes throughout most days. I was tired physically and emotionally- each time I'd get my hopes up- it was such a tease! 

At our appointment, Saylor's heart rate was a little elevated. Dr. Simon was concerned that with all the contractions I was having that it was beginning to put stress on her. She checked me and I was at 3 cm still- no progression after another week of contractions. She recommended that we go ahead and break my water so Saylor didn't get stressed. We agreed and she left the room to schedule it. She came back in and said "how about today!?" After some tears (I didn't get to tell Gagey bye) I agreed and we headed across the road to the hospital. 

From there it went quickly. I was contracting on my own every 3-5 minutes. In an hour I was to 4 cm. Ryan & I walked the halls, I bounced on the exercise ball, and Jess came by bringing our bags from home and snuck me some Neighbor's Mill. 

Around 5:30 Dr. Simon came and broke my water. IMMEDIATELY the contractions picked up in intensity. I remembered what labor was like all over again and that's when I lost focus. I cried and cried and cried. I missed Gagey, I didn't want to go through the pain of labor again, and I was terrified. 

I sucked it up for about 2 hours. I was dilated to a 6. I was really debating the epidural. I didn't want to continue in the pain, but I didn't want an epidural either. 2 super intense contractions later, and I said "I want the epidural". This wasn't in my plan, but I decided in that moment I didn't want to deal with the pain anymore. It was getting to that point where I couldn't take it! 

So after almost having a panic attack during the epidural, I got it and low and behold it only worked effectively from about my belly button down. So basically my legs were numb and I couldn't feel them check me anymore, but I felt the contractions still. I was uncomfortable and super anxious. I couldn't get comfortable in the bed and I felt like I was dying. Around that time, Ryan, Mom, & Jess stepped out to grab a drink. In those few minutes I threw up and felt extremely panicky. GUYS- this is how awesome my doctor is. She came in, caught my puke in a bag, put cool wash clothes on my face, turned down the lights, rubbed my shoulders, and basically calmly gave me a pep talk. She eased my anxiety and I was able to relax. 

Literally, she walked out the door and I labored through 5 or 6 more contractions and told my nurse I felt pressure. I finally had that "I need to push" feeling! She rushed to check me and then ran and got Dr. Simon. Saylor was right there and it was time for her to come meet us!

Luckily, Ryan came back in right then and Dr. Simon said "Are you ready to have a baby!?" as she geared up and got in position. We were all shocked I'd progressed that fast and I couldn't believe I was about to see my little girl.

I pushed through maybe 5 contractions when they told me she had lots of dark hair and with the next push her head was out. Dr. Simon yelled something and next thing I knew 2 nurses were on top of my pushing down on my belly and a nurse threw Ryan out of the way. Her shoulders were stuck and they were yelling at me to push harder. It was like it was happening in slow motion- I look at the concern on my doctor's face, then turned and saw Mom praying and Jess's face looked white. I pushed as hard as I knew how and with a technique Dr. Simon used, she came out- after being stuck for 45 seconds. 

I looked down and saw my BIG baby girl with lots of dark hair who then started crying. All I wanted to know was "IS SHE OKAY???". Yes, she was. The proud daddy cut the cord and there was much "oooing and awwing" from all of us. Next thing I knew she was on my chest. We immediately did skin to skin, and I swear she came out sucking her little hands. We moved her down and she began nursing right away. It was so surreal. 

Saylor Kate Smothers was 7 lbs 10 oz and 19.5 inches long. Born at 9:59 pm on February 17th, 2015. 

We were smitten right away and couldn't get over how pretty she was, our little girl.

Tomorrow will be a month that we've had her in our arms and somedays I still can't believe she is here. Her birth was much harder than Gage's. I really think I just wasn't prepared mentally and I came into it exhausted already. The good thing is- when it's over, it's over! 

The night I had her I said "I never want to do that again, she can be our last!" A month later and I already don't think that's true. There is no greater blessing than a child. Thank you, Lord for our sweet Saylor Kate.

Yep, still preggo.

So let's play catch up. I have been the worst blogger in all of history- if you can even call me a blogger anymore!

I'm currently 39 weeks pregnant. The most pregnant I've ever been, actually. I had Gage a little over 38 weeks and honestly, I thought I'd have had this girl in my arms over a week ago! Gage was BAM CONTRACTIONS, head to the hospital, and 6 hours later I had a baby. Welllllll Saylor has been quite the opposite and I feel like I've lived the past week in a constant contraction! Twice we were ready to load up and head to the hospital with contractions 3 minutes apart and BAM they stopped. And even my doctor thought I was in labor Monday at my appointment as I was having them every 3-5 minutes, but I'm only at 3 centimeters and despite all the contractions I'm having-- they just aren't dilating me. Long story short- they could keep doing this for dayyyyys until they just get strong enough to make things start moving.

Until then I moan and groan in pain and take 2 hour naps with Gage daily. No, it's not THAT bad.... and I'm seriously soaking up each cuddle, naptime, game we play together because these are my last few days with just Gagey. *tear* It's so bittersweet but so exciting, as I can't wait to give him a sibling.

But wasn't I just in labor with him? He was just my tiny baby and now he is SO independent and SO verbal. He says anything and everything. Current favorites are "don't say that word, Mom! That's a bad word!" (he says this to anything I say that he doesn't agree with (ie: it's bedtime))... "I'm not a baby!" (if I ever call him my baby I'm quickly corrected that he is my BIG BOY now *more tears*)....."Thanks, Milkman." (every night Ryan gets him a sippy of milk and this is his reply LOL he's hilarious!).... Just a few of his current sayings that CRACK ME UP. I say this with every age- but I seriously am in LOVE with this little boy at this stage. I love conversations with him.

Besides my husband being smokin' hott as always and me feeling like a big lump of lard on the couch, I've totally enjoyed this pregnancy. Especially the honeymoon phase from like 20-30 weeks. The cute little bump and still all that energy. Not gonna lie, the last month has been way harder than my pregnancy with Gage. I've felt pretty exhausted and super achey and probably pretty whiney (thanks friends who have listened to me- you know who you are!). Funny how each pregnancy is different, and I want to believe this isn't my last. It's really such a miracle making, growing, and birthing little humans into the world and I CANNOT WAIT to see this little girl's face. SO COME ON SAYLOR KATE SMOTHERS. Your mom, dad, and big brother are SO ready.... and all these contractions are getting old - not to mention a total tease. :)

Welp, there's my update.
Hopefully next time I post it'll be a birth story!
Happy Thursday, friends.