Yesterday was just one of those days. I felt yuck all day. So far, I haven't been too much of a crazy emotional preggo chick, but I guess yesterday I decided that after 15 weeks I needed to unleash the emotions. And that I did.
What would have been a simple argument, nothing big at all, turned into me crying for like 2 hours last night. Sheesh, I feel so embarassed posting this for everyone to read... but you know that you've been there too :) lol... Sometimes we all need a good cry, just because.
And my crazy emotions ended up teaching me a lesson.
For some reason, I had decided that Ryan was not being protective enough of me now that I'm pregnant. He had me help him lift something, something that he said was under 20 lbs, but I was convinced that it was like 50... and because he wanted me to help I thought he just wasn't being protective of me and the baby... I know, I sound like a psycho, but at the time the emotions were real and I was actually really upset.
So the tears came. I felt so sad! All I wanted at that moment was to be at my parent's house. I wanted my mom and dad LOL. I wanted to be little again, where I had no worries and my Dad was my hero. And with that thought, the tears came even harder. Most of the 2 hours of crying ended up being about my dad's injury. Those first few weeks after it happened I was a wreck, but after that I sucked it up and tried to go on, be happy, make the best of this new way of life, and be thankful I still had my dad. And I AM thankful I still have him... but let me tell you, so much has changed. And sometimes it's still hard to deal with. My dad was the strongest man in the world in my eyes- and he really was strong! He was always so protective of me (and still is), but if I was ever scared all I had to do was run into his arms. Being in the arms of my dad has always been security to me- nothing could hurt me if he was around.
But as I cried, I knew that unless God heals him, I didn't have those strong arms standing tall to run into. Yes, I still have my dad and still go to him with lots of things, but it is different. It's so hard to see him in a vulnerable position, where he relies on others to help him, to see him struggle with simple things, to see him sitting in the house when I know he is longing to be outside doing what he loves. Sometimes it just hits me that the strongest man in the world is now in a wheelchair, and it's hard. Beacause my dad, he was so tough!
I know that sometimes I have to take off the happy face, the one that smiles and says "oh I'm just trusting God with it", and be real with myself and with God. Last night sitting alone in the bathroom, I was able to talk to God about it. I poured out my heart to him and let him know that I'm hurt. I want so bad to run into those big arms again, like a little girl, and know that everything is okay when I'm with my big strong Dad.
So as I sat there feeling let down by my husband, and like I've lost such a huge part of my dad, it was as if God put His arms around me. Why would I depend so much on people, who are only human, to fufill the greatest longing I have-- to be held and protected and taken care of?? Only my Savior can fully and perfectly do that. He will never let me down, He will never lose strength... and what a peace that filled my heart! I didn't have to be sad, because I had a heavenly Father who would take care of ALL my needs, who would hold me when I was hurting. His big strong arms are always open, waiting for us to run into them. And when I finally did, it felt so good.
Psalm 91:14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
Psalm 116:6 The LORD protects the simple-hearted; when I was in great need, he saved me.
Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
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