Balance

It's took me awhile to be able to admit this- even realize this- about myself.

When I first got married I was at the peak of my relationship with God and with my friends. I woke up and before my eyes even opened I was talking to God. Time with Him was my priority. I also was surrounded by some amazing friends who I loved to laugh and be myself with.

I had spent years praying for my future husband. That I would protect my heart and my body and save it all for him- and as I waited, I prayed that he would as well. That prayer started at age 14 and continued until the day I married Ryan at age 20. Of course, my relationship with the Lord consisted of more than that, but that was a prayer that often poured out and as I waited on my future husband I let Jesus fill that void and love me in a way that no one else ever could.

After getting married, about a month in the fights began. How dare Ryan! He wasn't fulfilling my every need! I needed him to make me feel beautiful, worthy of love, sought after. I needed him to applaud every good thing about me and make me feel cherished. If a morning went by and he was running late for work and left without giving me a kiss or saying something sweet or romantic I was furious! I know this sounds ridiculous- but you see, for so long I had prayed for this man- and now here he was and instead of still looking towards God for my confidence and self worth and love... I was depending upon my new groom who was just human. He could never fulfill my every need and every insecurity. Only my heavenly Father could.

Besides having that hang up- I also became consumed in being a wife. I let some friendships fade as I was horrible at returning calls, texts, or taking up offers to have a girls night. I was trying to figure out my new role as a wife and it consumed me.

It took me awhile to ease into my role as a wife and realize that I was still me and that Ryan wasn't perfect--- and that I was the furthest thing from it.

Enter motherhood.

I was consumed x12.

I still take forever to reply to texts and have some strange paranoia about talking on the phone! I spent the first few months doing NOTHING but focusing on being a mom. Just now have I got in the groove of keeping the house clean and having supper on the table when Ryan gets home. I have let other precious friendships fade because I don't know how to juggle it all. Ryan gets frustrated as he wants help paying the bills, etc. and I am still figuring out how to balance it all.

This sounds bad I know- I just feel guilty while Gage is awake if I'm not 100% focused on him... But I'm learning to balance it all and it feels good.

The point of this post is that I have learned that I let new phases of life- transitions if you will- consume me and take over me. So much that at times I forgot who I am and what I like and what makes ME tick.

Yes I am a wife.
Yes I am a mother.

But I am still Kaysi.

I still need daily time with God to allow Him to fill me and use me.
I need girl talk.
I need a good run.
I need to paint my nails, listen to music that I like, to read a good book.
I need to take a long hot shower and get dolled up.
I need to be me....and not let these beautiful amazing roles that God has called me to distract me from Him or who I am in Him, but to cause me to draw nearer to Him and allow Him to show me how to be a godly wife, mother, friend-- all while balancing it in a healthy way.

What about you? Maybe it's not being a wife or mom- maybe its your career or other responsibilities. Do you ever let them consume you and you begin to lose yourself in them? How do you balance it all?! I'd love to hear from you!