Granny Erma

(Granny meeting Gage)

 

I never did blog about losing my Granny.
Maybe someday I can.

I think I am still in denial that it really happened. It was something I had dreaded my whole life. I remember worrying about it when I was little and thinking there was no way that I could handle it.

But somehow the Lord gets you through it. Even though the pain of it can be unbearable at times.

 (Here she is after dumping some of the scraps after a Sunday dinner. Every Sundy of her life she cooked dinner for her whole family & we would all cram into her little cozy house to eat and visit all afternoon. You could feel the love as soon as you stepped foot in the door. It's still my favorite place in the world.)

 

Granny was a servant. I could write for HOURS and fill PAGES with the wonderful woman she was.

 

But to sum it up, she was the rock of our family. The center of all of lives, really.

She was precious. And rare. A true lily among thorns.

 

Maybe one day I can blog about all the ways she has impacted me, but tonight I will share how her life of loving the Lord impacted my own walk just today.

 

 

In her last few years, Granny battled Alzheimers. She got confused easily.

I wasn't at church that day, but Mom told me the story when it happened. At the time it just made me sad, but today it resonated something deeper in my heart.

 

They were taking the Lord's supper at church one Sunday in the old country church that they attend; the one Granny had attended most of her life. One at a time, they would walk up and get their piece of bread and juice. Then they would go back to their seat and all take it together after they prayed.

 

Mom told me that when Granny went up to get her juice she stood up there for a moment and drank it. And then she just cried.

 

Mom had said that it was the sweetest thing to watch and it had blessed the hearts of all the people in the church.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

On this Good Friday, we took Communion at our home church. It was a very serious service- we came in without talking to prepare our hearts for what was taking place. My mind went back to the story Mom had told me... My sweet Granny, not knowing she was supposed to go back to her seat to drink it, standing before the church and crying as she drank what symbolized the blood of her Savior.

 

 

My sweet sweet Granny knew the magnitude of that blood that was shed for her.

She understood it. She knew the agony that her Savior went through all for her sake.

And it broke her heart.

 

Tonight, as I sat there with the cup in my hand, I pictured what Jesus did for me, for you, for my Granny. And I prayed that I would take it as seriously and understand in such a way as my Granny did. That it would break my heart, bring me to tears, and transform my life the way it did hers.

 

------------------------------

 

That is just one tiny way she touched my life, even after she was gone.

I am so thankful for the example she set while she was here and the influence she had and will continue to have on me for the rest of my life.

(the best place on Earth= Sunday at Granny's)

currently

Listening to: Gage's white noise machine coming from the bedroom and the birds chirping outside the window, & the Keurig making me a single warm yummy goodness. It's a quite spring morning here at the Smothers. In the past, I would have the Today Show going, maybe some music from Pandora playing. But here lately I have been craving silence. Very rarely do I even turn the TV on during the day, unless Gage watches Bubble Guppies or another one of his shows. This morning, the silence is so peaceful to me. I can hear my own thoughts and am preparing my heart for the day ahead.

Oh, and as far as music goes I'm digging Chris Tomlin's newest CD that my brother made me a copy of!

Planning: My day! Today the Gager and I will be running some errands around town, and hopefully buying some new fabric so I can start my sewing escapades! If I can even remember how to sew! This could be scary, friends! But in my head I have these adorable new pillows, curtains, and outfits for Gage all planned out... we shall see!

Wishing for: Long runs, long naptimes, long bubble baths. A new spring wardrobe and to lose 15 lbs all while being to eat whatever I wanted.

Ok, back to reality! Wishing to reach out and be a better friend (see yesterday's blog), wishing for warm weather to get here and stay here, wishing to become more DISCIPLINED and on more of a schedule for MYSELF. Gage already has a loose schedule going; I on the other hand do not. Today was the first morning in awhile that I've got up early and had some "me" time before he is up for the day.

Thinking about: I don't know. I have been in a fog lately. There are like a bagillion thoughts and ideas and plans that have been sloshing around in my head. I feel like But that's my heart-- my mind is like a jumbled mess. Once again, I need some organization skills.

Craving: A big, hot cinnamon roll from Neighbor's Mill. And a salted caramel mocha on the side.

Looking forward to: Planting my garden, date night this weekend, and our daily walk.

Reading: What's that? Just kidding. But I do need a new book to dive into. Any suggestions?

Feeling: Cozy, blessed, and anxious about the next few months, my growing baby, and all our summertime adventures that lie ahead!

Making me happy:  Gage's morning cuddles (he just woke up!). The sunshine that is shining in the window of Gage's room where he is jumping & I'm typing. Oh, and the flowers that I bought myself that are still so pretty on my dining table!

BFF!

Oh my word.

Today I am sad.

I miss my friend Cheyenne who is being induced tomorrow to have her second precious baby girl. I wish I could be there to meet this little angel! What a wonderful family she is being born into, though. I mean, I think her mom is pretty fab!

Now that we are on the subject- lets talk about friendships.

My heart hurts a little today as I dwell on some of mine. Some are miles away, some friendships are dwindling, some are just beginning, and some I know that no matter how many days pass by the second we are together again we can just pick up where we left off! What a blessing friendships can be!

But it takes some vulnerability, if you ask me. I have had plenty of heartache of friendships gone bad. Girls can be mean, ya know? And I have made plenty of mistakes myself. True friendships that are raw and real- ones where you put your friend before yourself and know they would do the same- are hard to come by.

Dad always told me growing up that "if you find one true friend in life then you are lucky".

As I am older now, I can totally agree to that.

I struggle to be one of those kind of friends at times! Juggling a baby, a husband, a job, my new ItWorks business, a child of God, a daughter, a sister, and a friend can be hard! All while trying to find time for myself in the midst. I fail at all of those roles daily. Thank the Lord for GRACE! Can I get an amen?!

I know that I need grace in so many areas of my life and I pray that I can be a gracious friend to others. I pray that I can open my heart to new friendships and nurture the ones I have. I pray that I can allow myself to be vulnerable and real in these friendships. But most of all I pray that God would use me to encourage and extend grace to any friend I have.

((this post was kind of random, but friendships just seemed to be on my heart today. can you relate?))

The Girl In the Mirror

I used this analogy at work yesterday and as I was talking to my client about it, little did I know it was hitting home in my heart.

Negative thoughts.

Whether they are formed from hateful words spoken by others or just lies that we begin to believe about ourselves-- they can be disastrous to our self worth.

What do you see when you look into the mirror?

Do you like that person? Or are you always beating her up in your mind? Picking out any and every flaw? Calling her names, even?

I noticed the other day that everytime I looked in the mirror I would let out this sigh of disgust. Since when did I start being so down on myself?

Self check!

What negative thoughts am I dwelling on?

What kind of self talk is going on in my head?

Whether it's "You're fat" to "No one will ever love you" or "You have to be perfect or it's just not good enough". We can begin telling things like that to the person in the mirror.

But wait.

What if we focused on the positive things?

For every negative thought- replace it with a positive one.

"I'm not fat- I ran a mile today, my body is getting stronger."

"I like my eyes, I'm going to accentuate them today."

"Someone DOES love me. My husband got up and went to work today, all to support me and give me things I need and want."

"No one is perfect, but I'm trying my best and look what I just accomplished!

Ya see why I'm saying!?

We control our thoughts...

If we allow ourselves to start hating in the girl in the mirror we are going to start feeling pretty lousy. And frumpy. And down and out.

If we focus on positive things we begin to love ourselves for who we are and learn to find beauty, even in our imperfections.

Love who you see in the mirror.

Starting today!

Weekend Shenanigans!

What a fabulous weekend!

Spring is in the air. And that fact alone made my weekend.

We started the weekend out right by a late night run to Chilis.

Ryan and I both have decided to kick the #loseyourlard challenge into high gear.

So we (reluctantly) turned down our normal corn quacamole & salsa with chips.

I got a side salad and the Margarita Grilled Chicken. It is SO good.

SO good you would never know it has just over 500 calories!

Small victory, right there. Eating out and trying to be healthy is always my downfall.

I always cave.

But not Friday night!

 

We ended the night with a midnight movie, matress in the living room floor, & a baby snuggled up between us. Makin' memories.

 

Oh, and in the middle of the midnight movie, I was surfing Pinterest.

I found the most simple way to make a turban.

Here's how it turned out.

{Tutorial to come!}

 

The next morning looked like this.

Well, after we got out of bed.

But do you see his location in the bed? Dead center.

Mom & Dad may have been scrunched- but we loved all the cuddles.

I had this thing in my head that cosleeping was like a deadly sin, and have been exhausted the past few months. We finally gave in, with no regrets.

Why it is looked down upon, I don't know, but last night Gage slept 8 straight hours.

Praise Thee the Lord.

 

After waking, we made a trip to Home Depot in the ol' farm truck.

Good times, just like the Beverly Hillbillies.

I used to be ashamed; now I just embrace it.

Lots of laughs is guaranteed when you ride in that thing.

Especially when you have a peach tree on the flatbead.

(Gage rode too & thought it was pretty fun)

 

 The rest of the day we spent working on the garden.

Gage had his first tractor ride, and cried.

It was too loud for him, but he loved to watch Daddy till up the garden with it.

Mom, Dad, Trev, & his girlfriend came down for dinner.

We grilled chicken, pork loin, veggie kabobs, & pineapple.

Yum.

We also had cous cous (or coo-coo as Dad called it haha).

 

Today has been filled with church, a Jillian workout, and lots of playing with Gage Man.

We're skipping church tonight because we're all in our pjs cuddling and the weather is pretty yucky.

I love family time.

 

I love that spring is coming and we can start getting out and about.

And introduce Gage to everything outside.

 

I love this life God has blessed me with.

Just thought I would share what happened in our neck of the woods this weekend.

Hope you had a great one as well!

6 Months

Gage Beckham,

Half a year. You've been here with us (outside of my belly) for half a year. It's almost a blur looking back, but it has been the most lifechaning, joyfilled 6 months of our life.

This month has been FUN.
You love to play!
Which is even more fun now that you can SIT UP!!! What a big boy you are.
You're pretty good at it too! We still have to be close by because you can fall sideways or backwards, but you get more balanced every day. Tonight I walked in our bedroom and sat you in the middle of our bed- I stood back and just looked at you in amazement. My little tiny baby all of a sudden a little man, sitting up like you were king of the bed. You just looked so big to me. It was one of those moments I think that will always be engraved in my mind.

You can entertain yourself for longer periods playing with your toys and tummy time isn't near as bad as it used to be for you! The other night you almost got into crawl position! Your daddy & I were holding our breath-- we didn't know what you were about to do!

EVERYTHING goes to your mouth.
And you can grab anything! It's so cute how you reach for things, sticking those little arms out as far as they will go. It melts my heart when you reach up for me, or when someone else is holding you and you reach for me.

You started sitting in your high chair this month. We put all your toys on it and it keeps you busy while I'm warming up your baby food or working in the kitchen. You love to BANG the toys around and throw things in the floor. You think it's funny when I say "UH OH" when you drop something.

Speaking of food, you are now eating squash, sweet potatoes, peas, green beans, carrots, and oatmeal cereal. We are about to try some yogurt, which is exciting! We tried some fruit and it definitely did not settle well with you afterwards, although you loved the taste of apples especially! We will try them again in a month or so.

This month we started letting you have sips of water.... especially Papa Keith, he just loves letting you get drinks. It's like you already knew how, you just grab that cup and pull it to your mouth and you CHUG! haha But seriously, you get so mad if we try to put it away. You love it! Especially really cold ice water... and so we've let you start having a sippy with a little in it every day. You may drench yourself with it, but you LOVE it. It's so cute to watch you try and tip it up and take a big drink.

You are quite a popular baby. You are getting friendly and flirty as well. At church you like to  see everyone and you will go to anyone- although when you see Momma or Daddy your face lights up. We love that.

You still remain stubborn on wanting to roll over. You can roll from side to side like it's nothing, and even onto your belly, but if we put you on your belly you refuse to roll! I know you can because you have before, so I am just going to keep working with you. I know you will on your own time.

Nighttime continues to be crazy, so crazy that I'm begging Daddy to just get us a king size bed and we'll move you in with us! When I finally get so exhausted and throw you in bed with us, you will sleep soundly until morning. You just decided you love being snuggled up next to us-- or push us off the bed, whatever you like to call it :) We usually end up scrunched on the edge halfway hanging off and you just chillin' in the middle like a king. That's ok, maybe if you keep doing that it'll convince Dad to buy us a king sized bed :) :) :)

Your little smile and giggles light up our life. Dad loves to come in and see you after work. He always brings the biggest smile to your face. If you're nursing and you hear him or Jack or the TV, you've started turning all the way over and staring at them, then you'll flip back around and get another drink, and you will just keep doing it. Flip, look, flip, drink.... It's so funny. You have quite the little personality.

It makes me sad to think the first half of your first year is over... kind of like the little baby stage is over and now we're moving onto big baby stuff like sitting up, crawling, and eventually walking. It's bittersweet, but I love seeing you learn and grow and take in your surroundings every day.

You light up our lives, Gage Man. I can't what to see what the next half year brings.

Love,
Momma