Silence.

Lately I have had the urge to write but when I sit down to type my fingers freeze. My brain thinks so hard about what I want to say.... and yet not a word comes to mind.

My heart has been so full. On a daily basis there are things that challenge me, move me, and stretch me as I am easing into the roles that God has assigned me in this crazy beautiful life.

But when I go to write there is just
SILENCE.

This isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I think that I'm learning to bottle up these moments in my heart- good along with bad. To sit in the moment and BE STILL. To let God speak to me and reveal Himself to me in the silence.

Sometimes I feel like I always need to be on the go, to always have something exciting planned, or that I have to be the hair done-skinny minny- put together- house spotless-awesome blogger mama.

But then I miss the moments that make life great.

If I'm doing my hair and makeup all morning and taking selfies in the mirror I'm missing laying in bed with Gage as he wakes up and cuddles with me for 15 minutes before we even getting outta bed. I miss morning playtime where I sit across from him in the floor and we giggle and learn new things. I miss sitting back in SILENCE as he plays in the floor and looks like he grew so much overnight-- hiding that image in my heart so I'll always remember.

If I rock him to sleep with my iPhone over his back (yea I've been guilty of this once or twice- but quickly learned its not a habit I want to make) then I miss taking in his sweet baby smell, memorizing the feeling of him cuddled so small on my chest, with his little hand over my heart.

But wait? Those all sound like perfect moments... and they are. But social media tends to just capture those good perfect sweet moments.

What you can't see is the pile of laundry on the other side of the room, the trash that his overflowing, and my pile of paperwork that is screaming to be done. I don't often blog about the adjustments of being parents and balancing time for ourselves and dont take a pic for Insagram of me yelling at Ryan and him slamming the door in my face. Ha! Sadly those are real moments-- but also in the silent minutes after "life happens" that is where God speaks to me and changes my heart. That's where he teaches me and shows me what I need to work on to experience lasting true joy in my life that only comes from Him.

I want to be real today.

I slept in yesterday's makeup. My house is a mess as we are in the process of getting new countertop and everything that was in my kitchen is now in my dining room. I'm loads behind on laundry. I'm sleepy because me and ry stayed up late talking about things we want to work on in our marriage. I'm hungry and the cabinets don't have many options bc I always put off getting groceries!

It's a typical day here at the Smothers.

This morning though, I'm sittin on the couch while Gage Man is sleeping in and I'm thankful for the silence. Even the silence in my heart that sometimes I feel that I don't have anything to share or write about. Because in the silence I grow. I bottle up memories. I can think clearly.

I can be still and know that He is God. Even in the midst of a not so perfect life- a REAL life.

If I ever portray that my life is so perfect and blah blah blah on social media, forgive me. I'm a huge mess! I just love to find joy in this messy life. And lately that's by just soaking up the silence.

This post was kinda random and idk of I even portrayed the point I wanted to make.

So anyway
Happy Friday y'all- this sleepy head is gonna go make some coffee now:) it's too early! (oh wait it's 9 o'clock.... oops)

Being A Mom

Being a mom is hard work. Whew.

For me thus far, being a mom means being alone in the back room feeding your newborn while others are outside the door laughing and having fun. It means going to bed late, waking all throughout the night, and waking early as your little one gets their days and nights figured out. It means being peed on, spit up on, and knowing how to change those explosive diapers like a pro. It means having to say no to girls night out, skipping meals cause there is just no time to make yourself anything, and forgetting what a long, relaxing shower feels like. It means getting your dinner to go and eating it in the car because your baby threw the biggest fit everrrrrr and all the people in the restaurant stare at you like your beating the poor thing. It means learning to put yourself last and put the needs of a tiny person before any need or want of your own.

Now don't stop reading there.

Because being a mom ALSO means staring into the eyes of a tiny person that God created inside of you over 9 months & have your heart melt inside of you. Being a mom means your heart becoming more tender and crying sometimes just when you look at your baby because the love that you didn't even know was possible overtakes you. It means a tiny hand reaching over and grasping your finger. It means being that baby's favorite person- your voice, touch, kiss, and caress can calm them when no one else's can. It means missing them during naptime, even though you think you can't wait to get them down. It means wet slobbery kisses, big gummy grins, and laughter that fills your home and your heart. It means hearing "mama" and two little arms reaching for you. It means rocking your angel to sleep and never wanting to put them down. It means sitting back and staring in awe of that little one that is part of you and part of that man you love with all your heart. It means falling in love all over again everyday that those sleepy eyes wake up and meet yours with the biggest smile.

There is nothing in this world that would make me want to go back to my life before being a mom.
I was so selfish before Gage. He has changed my heart from the inside out.
Sure, some days are hard and I pray for patience and help a lot.
But the joys of motherhood outweigh any difficulty.

Being a mom means having the hardest, yet most wonderful job in the world.
Being a mom means being blessed beyond measure.

Thank you, Jesus for the day you made me a mom to Gage Beckham.

7 Months

Gage,

I'm so behind on writing this one, but I haven't forgotten all of the exciting things that happened this month!

Your little personality continues to come out day by day! You at times are calm and laid back like your Daddy, but there are times you can be fiesty like your momma!!! Your little laugh fills our home with joy. You laugh the most when Daddy comes home and attacks you- at least that's what it looks like! He kisses you and tickles you from head to toe and you just squeal and laugh with delight! Sometimes you just scream you are so excited!

You said MAMA!!!!!! You say it when you are tired of something you are playing with and you want me to come get you and pick you up. It's sooo sweet. You mumble "ma ma ma ma" and then you'll say it clearly! I was so happy that I was your first word :) Of course, we're BFFs so I didn't expect any different!!

You are now wearing 6-9 months clothes.
Eating lots of fruits and veggies. Eating puffs like they are going out of style (you still have to have them broken into smaller pieces). You love to drink out of your sippy too! You eat three times a day and sit up like a big boy in your highchair. You love to make messes- if we drop even the tiniest of drops of babyfood, you spot it and smear it all around like it's so fun. You are doing so great with your fine motor skills, as you can pick up the little pieces of puffs really well!

At your doctor's appointment you weighed in at 16lbs and 5 oz., were 26.5 inches long. That is in the 25th percentile for weight and height.

You still don't roll much but are starting to scoot around on your tummy! We are just waiting for you to get those knees up under you and take off! Although I'm not near ready for you to be so big, so take your time sweet boy! (and the house isn't 100% babyproofed for a crawler just yet!)

You love going outside and playing. You still love animals and watching your puppies, cat, and cows that are in the field in front of our house. We hung your swing in a tree out in the yard and you love to swing. It's so funny you won't crack a smile when you are swinging hardly! You just lean back and look so relaxed! We try so hard to make you smile, with little luck! It cracks us up :)

You still love walks to the creek and seeing the water, and walks at the Harrison and Alpena park.

You had your first Easter and you were a HIT. In your little hat and bowtie everyone thought you were adorable, and you should have seen the proud faces of your Daddy & I. We think you are the best thing ever.

You are still sleeping 10-12 hours a night. Before bedtime you like a bath where you splash and kick like crazy, to be lathered in lotion afterwards, and then read books in bed with momma and daddy. You still like to be rocked to sleep. And when we are in bed at night you still love snuggling right up next to me. You stay that way all night. If I'm not touching you, you'll feel and reach around until you find me. Daddy likes to fall asleep with his arm over me and holding onto your little foot. I love being a family and enjoying lots of snuggles!

You sit up big in the cart now when we go shopping and going places is much easier now. You are such a good little guy.

I love you so much. I can't wait to see what these next months have in store, as you'll be crawling around in no time!

You are our joy.

Love,
Momma

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Grace.

"and a certain sign of grace is this- from the broken ground flowers come up, pushing through the dirt"

I love how the new growth and new life that Spring brings in the form of pretty wild flowers, gardens beginning to grow, and baby animals resonates GRACE in my heart.

Isn't that me?
The small little seed hidden below broken ground- covered in dirt?

But ah, the the sun comes and breathes LIFE into that tiny, dirty seed. And what breaks through that dirt and grows is so breathtakingly beautiful.

-------------------------------------------

I have felt like that seed often. This new season of my life has been the most wonderful so far, but had also changed me so much that sometimes I felt "the me" that I had known all my life was so far buried I couldn't even find her anymore.

Transitioning jobs, learning how to balance being a momma, going from a pretty selfish mindset to a more selfless one, old friendships growing, new ones forming, and the list could go on and on. I went through a season of change and as special and amazing as it was sometimes when the baby was asleep, the house was clean, and I had nothing but silence and a few free moments-- I didn't know what to do with myself. The "me" I knew from years before was buried deep inside of me... IS buried deep inside of me.

As Spring has made its arrival it seems to have awakened something inside my heart.

GRACE.

My prayer is that God takes me, like the little buried seed, and waters me and shines His light on me and grows me into something BEAUTIFUL.

Without Him I'll just stay here in the ground, but PRAISE THE LORD I don't have to! He has already worked in my behalf. He died for me, and rose again! All so I don't have to stay buried, but that by His GRACE I could grow into something more beautiful than I ever imagined!

My prayer today is that I would exemplify God's grace in my life. To allow Him to water me with His word, shine His light on me with His presence, and that I would break through the dirt and be a beautiful flower- all for His glory!

Guys, I'm 4 days in on the April Fitness Challenge. Whoa. 4 days is pretty good for me to stay motivated and committed to anything fitness related! ha!

But really, I have started to love feeling that burn after a good workout and my body is beginning to feel stronger and not all jiggly and weird like I did for quite awhile after having Gage. (do ya know what I mean? Like you try to run and you feel your insides sloshing around in your belly? Ok I get it, TMI!!)

I caught myself talking to a new acquaintance a few days ago saying "... I just had a baby". WHAT? That was seven months ago. It's crazy how fast time passes, and even though I still catch myself saying stuff like that- I think I'm finally coming into my old self again. I feel stronger and more just like "me" in my skin again. Those first few months are hard, looking into the mirror and thinking "who is that girl??" I'm glad to be getting past that.

Spring is here and the sunny days we have had are now filled with lots of exploring outside, working in the garden & flowerbeds, swinging Gage in his new swing that is hanging from a tree in our front yard, and grilling!!! It's SO much easier for us to eat healthy when it's warm outside. Throw some meat & veggies on the grill, throw together a salad and call it done!

Well how was that for a random naptime post from my iPhone? :)
Happy Spring!
Also, it's not too late to join me & all the other lovely ladies that are apart of the April Challenge! You in!?