Oceans by Hillsong

You call me out upon the waters, the great unknown, where feet may fail.

And there I find you in the mystery. In oceans deep my faith will stand.

And I will call upon your name.

And keep my eyes above the waves.

When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace,

For I am yours

and you are mine.

Your grace abounds in deepest waters.

God calls us to step out where it's scary. He appoints us to roles we never thought we could fill.

Some days I feel overwhelmed. Inadequate. In over my head. 

And that's where I find him, in the oceans deep. 

"Your grace abounds in deepest waters"

I just keep repeating that line in my head, letting the truth of it soak in.

Spirit lead me when my trust is without borders. 

Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander.

And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.

I just found this song tonight and it's been on repeat ever since. I love how God can speak to me through music and these lyrics are so powerful. 

Be Intentional

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I ran across this picture today and for some reason it took me back to just how TINY our Bubba Gage was.    Honestly, sometimes I feel like those first few months were such a blur. I'm so thankful for these photos that help me go back and remember my teeny tiny baby. I just love him so much.

On that note, doesn't time go by so fast?

Summer is here & for that I'm thankful.

After Gage was asleep last night Ryan & I were able to talk about our "dreams". I'm such a dreamer. Ryan, not so much. But last night he actually went with it and we had a great conversation about things that we would like for our home this summer. (spiff up the area in the yard where our fire pit is, assemble the new grill, get a volleyball net, deep clean the garage...)

I have been reading a book and the chapter I just finished was about needing people and how we too often go at life alone. Why do we choose to do that? I have become so much more of a homebody over the past few years, and sometimes I just find myself wanting to stay comfortable in these walls. BUT the book says that we need to step up and do it ourselves- INVITE people. START a core group. INITIATE.

With that said, and after sharing it with Ryan, we decided we'd like to do a few things around the house to make it party central. Ha! Just kidding, but we would like to make it inviting and family friendly for our young couple friends and their kiddos to come over.

That thought about just doing the inviting ourselves and purposely making new friendships went hand in hand with the thought that has been going through my mind over the past month.

BE INTENTIONAL.

About friendships.
About my relationship with the Lord.
About spending quality time with my husband.
About what I put in my mouth.
About exercising and having a body that feels strong, healthy, and confident.

I haven't been intentional at all especially in the past year.
I wake up hearing those words in my head.

BE INTENTIONAL.

Ok, God. I get what your saying, so please show me how to step up, be brave, and do these things that you are calling me to. I want to be an intentional person, not someone that just floats through life. Show me the areas I need to be purposeful in. 

8 Months

Gage Man,

So many things have happened this month! It was such a fun month. For one, spring is finally here and you were born to be outside. You love walks to the creek with the puppies, swinging in your swing that Daddy hung in a tree in our front yard, swinging on the porch swing, picnics in the yard, watching the puppies play, and riding in your wagon at Grump's and Gram's house.

On April 1st you said "Mama" for the first time! It came out so plain and clear and it just melted my heart! And since then you say it all the time! You mostly say it when you want me to come pick you up. "mamamamamama" is my favorite sound :)

This month you took your first trip to Silver Dollar City! You did great! You loved all the sites and sounds and you ate your first DipNDots. Speaking of ice cream, whenever we are out and about we usually find a place to stop or drive thru where you can have a treat of ice cream! I think you like McDonald's the best, just like your mom & dad!

You still aren't crawling but you can scoot everywhere- backwards! You will get up into crawl position all the time but you haven't' figured out how to get those knees moving.

One morning towards the end of the month you woke up and was playing in bed with Mama & Daddy and we were both laying on our sides with you in the middle. You reached over to your dad, grabbed ahold of his side, and UP you came! Your first time to pull up! Since then you haven't done it near as good completely on your, but you are definitely trying to. With just the tiniest help you can pull up on most anything.

You are eating lots of things now! You love for me or Gram to make you mashed potatoes and we've been adding chicken too. Your new favorite I made was the potatoes, chicken, steamed broccoli, topped with a little melted cheddar cheese. It was a hit! You gobbled it up! You love finger foods, and I'm trying to get more adventurous with those for you. You love to feed yourself! (last night you fed yourself cottage cheese and it was soo cute and funny!)

You got two teeth!!!! Your two bottom teeth came in within days of each other. You handled teething really well and wasn't overly cranky or fussy. When you did get upset, teething tablets seemed to do the trick. One night around 9:30 you couldn't go to sleep because your teeth were bothering you and so we gave you some teething tablets. Literally 10 minutes later you were bouncing all over the bed, standing up holding onto us and jumping, and laughing so hard. It was so funny! But you got so hyper that I ended up googling to see if teething tablets can do that to babies & a few other moms wrote in saying it made their babies extremely hyper. Let's just say it was a late night, but we got it on video and that'll be a night to remember!

You have been such a great napper lately. Most morning you sleep in until 8 or 8:30 and then you take a morning nap, usually 2 hours after waking, and an early afternoon nap (somewhere around 2 or 3). Most days when we are home and in our routine you nap anywhere from 1-2 hours! You nap in your crib, and you like to have 2 pillows on each side of you almost cradling you. I think it makes you feel cozy and like you are cuddled up to Mama.

Speaking of that, we love cosleeping! You are the biggest (littlest) cuddle bug!!!! You love to be snuggled right up against me and if I ever move you reach for me in your sleep and pull yourself right back to me. It's so sweet. Daddy sleeps on the other side of me and puts his arm over me and around you too. I love our little family, and you do too!

You are a joy. You love going out to eat a restaurants. You sit up like such a big boy in your high chair and usually you are in such a good mood when we're out and about! You love to take sips from out straws of Sprite, Water, and sometimes if I'm feeling crazy tea or Coke. New tastes excite you!

You are now wearing 6-9 months clothes, but the 9 months are starting to fit better now. I can tell you have grown so much this past month! You are wearing size 2 in shoes, but you don't like shoes and always try to rub your feet together and make them fall off :)

Your hair is finally getting longer and we think we're going to have a little cottontop like your Daddy was! I can't believe I had a kid that is going to have blonde hair and blue eyes, with mine being so dark!

You love seeing other babies and kids. You could watch them forever and then crack you up. You can spot them anywhere.

Some of your favorite things are:
Jumping in your jumper
Standing at your little activity table
Watching Big Bird, Elmo, Bubble Guppies, & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, although FINDING NEMO continues to be your favorite!
Taking walks
Watching puppies
Bathtime
Nursing (now every 3-4 hours since you are eating more solids)
Visiting grandparents

You bless us more and more each month. Daddy said "Gage has taught me a whole new love. I'd do anything to protect him" I'm the same way, Bubba. Our lives now revolve around making you safe and happy and we have never been more content. You are perfect. We love you more than you know.

Love,
Mama

My First Mother's Day

Tomorrow is going to be my first Mother's Day as a mother!

Tonight as I rocked Gage I just thanked the Lord for allowing me to be a mother. I have no doubt that being a mother is one of the biggest blessings I'll ever receive here on this earth. I am humbled by the opportunity to be Gage's mother.

Today as I teared up over the simplest of things (happy tears, that is), I realized what had changed the most in me since becoming a mother.

I had a rough patch in my life. My dad fell and was paralyzed, while he was in Colorado for rehab my 3 year old baby cousin passed away, I was denied getting in nursing school, and then about a year later we witnessed a tragic accident involving a dear friend. I was left numb. For almost a year I couldn't hardly even pray. I felt God moving in my life, but when I went to pray I just sat there. I had to believe that God knew my heart... because as hard as a tried, there were very little words that came.

And then when sad things happened, I couldn't show any emotion. There were times I wanted to cry so so bad, but no tears would come. Numb is the only way that I can describe it.

So I began praying for God to give me a tender heart again, to break through the numbness I felt. I wanted to be able to let it out; to feel again... I was beginning to feel hard and harsh and like nothing got to me anymore. And especially as a lady, I didn't want to be that way.

"Break my heart for what breaks Yours, Lord" became my prayer.

And little did I know, on September 5th 2012 he gave me a tender heart again.
Since becoming a mom, little by little the numbness has faded. The hardened skin has shed from my heart and I can feel again. And I feel so much!

Most days I tear up over something, whether it's from feeling so much joy or for my heart feeling for others or as I'm worshipping. ((I'm like "who am I?!?!?!"))

Being a mom has awakened my heart to feel again. I am so thankful.
Gage has taught me to love in a way I hadn't before- selflessly and patiently.
Unconditionally.
With a tender heart.

That's what my first Mother's Day means to me....
besides having the cutest little boy in the world! Oh, and the BEST mom EVER who I look up to (and call for advice) every. single. day. I pray I'm just half the mom that she is! She is my best friend and role model.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mama's out there!

Enough.

It's dark in my house and I write to the glowing screen of my laptop. 

Both my boys aren't feeling well and have battled fevers today. One from his shots and the other from working so stinking hard for our family that he is physically sick and worn down. Owning your business never promised to be easy.

And here I am, the one to take care of them both. 

Sometimes I feel inadequate.

In so many areas.

Mom.

Wife.

Job.

Christian.

Friend.

Insecurities rise up in me and I begin to believe the lie.

"You're not good enough"

But wait. God put me here, in the care of my home and of boys for a reason.

He and I both know that within myself, it's true. I'm not good enough.

But in my weakness, He is strong.

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

I like to make myself and others believe I have it together at times. But honestly, there are days where I feel so not enough. That I'm not this or that or that I don't have anything to say, anything to offer. That I feel like I need to be doing more: running more, crafting more, DIYing more, blogging more, working more, cooking more, playing with Gage more. 

When all I really need to be doing is leaning into God more. Boasting gladly about my weaknesses! Unashamedly placing them before Him and allowing His power to rest on me! 

There is grace. 

He is waiting for me to accept it and let Him show me that IN HIM I AM ENOUGH. 

I literally just started this book today--Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe.

I'm going to be reading it alongside a dear friend and fellow mama.

I found this line in the foreword and was blessed by it. (a sign that it'll be a good book I'm hoping?!)

"Maybe being the mama I wanted to be wasn't so much about being more but believing more..."

"Godly parenting is fueled by God's grace, not my efforts."

I can try all I want, in every aspect of my life, to be better or to be more. But that will never work. I can only find contentment in who I am and how I'm performing my God-given roles when I let him breathe life into me and work through me. 

Only then will I feel adequate.

Not because of anything in myself, but because of everything in who He is. 

these simple moments

These are the days I'll look back on and miss, aren't they?

 

The ones that seem so simple now.

 

Waking up to Gage's little hand on my face.

"mamamamamama".

Searching for Jack under the covers, trying to grab his tail.

Pulling up on mama & daddy in bed and standing for the first time all on his own.

 

Breakfast. Gage and the highchair covered in babyfood.

"num num".

Clumisly feeding himself finger foods.

Spilling his sippy everywhere, trying to drink out of it upside down.

 

Fighting naptime.

Rock for 30 minutes. Baby is asleep.

Lay him in his crib. Baby is awake.

Repeat.

Give up.

 

Try again in an hour.

Give up.

Drive around town, get a Sonic drink, and sing to the radio just so baby will sleep in his carseat.

 

Lunch in town.

Mashed taters and green beans for Gage.

Squealing and screaming in the high chair.

Hearing Gage ooo & ahhh in delight when he sees his mama from across the restaurant=

Heart melted.

 

Mama, Daddy, & Baby afternoon cuddles in bed.

Giggles.

Tickles.

Gage sleeps and we get those few cherished moments alone.

Time for us.

To be young and in love and... baby is awake.

 

Playtime!

 

Bathtime splashes.

Drying off in front of the fireplace.

The smell of baby lotion.

Slobbery kisses and rubbing his eyes from exhaustion.

 

Bedtime stories, all three of us (and a weenie dog) piled in bed.

Daddy carrying Gage over to Mama in the rocking chair.

Gage makes his little noise of excitement as he knows it's time to nurse.

 

He looks up at me, I sing to him as he nurses.

We rock in the light of the nightlight.

I rub his sweet fuzzy head, and his chubby little cheek.

"Mama loves you, go to sleep little baby".

 

And now, I sit here with the lights off, candle lit, feet kicked up.

 

Just a normal day, nothing exciting, really....

But then I recall these moment.

Precious moments.

And realize they are what I'll look back on.

 

These simple, everyday moments.

One day I'll long for them again.

 

And so, instead of staying up for "me time" tonight,

I think I'll go to bed a little early.

And hold that little hand, kiss that precious face.

 

And memorize the way his sweet milk breath smells.

The size of those tiny little hands.

The softness of his baby skin.

And I'll thank the Lord with everything in me for Gage.

For his daddy.
For our home.

For this life of ours that I wouldn't trade.

For anything.

 

Because I know that one day, I'll miss this.

 

 

Discipline

So maybe I shouldn’t have had that cup of coffee at 7:30 this evening.

I’m wide awake.

Usually at this time of night I’m wore out, cuddling on the couch with my husband after getting the babe down for the night. Tonight Ry was extra tired so he is in bed with Gage. And I have the house to myself.... with a lot of energy!

Ahhhhhh.

 

This morning I started my day with an early morning run. Yes, 7:25 is early morning for me nowdays. Gage sleeps til 8:30 most days and I have been known to stay in bed with him until he wakes. I blame it on the cuddle bug that he is. It's irresistable! But anyway, today I somehow found it in me to roll out of bed, lace up my shoes, and hit the dirt road. It was a beautiful morning. I was able to enjoy some worship music, feel the Lord in the morning air, and clear my head while feeling FREE. It was nice. And I want to continue. But that takes discipline.

 

DISCIPLINE.

 

Let me tell you that word is my enemy. I'm not good at it. It's my daily struggle. It's also the thing that separates me and the Lord from getting closer, the scale from moving, and from me reaching the goals/dreams that go through my mind daily. Whyyyy is it so hard for me?

 

I last a week and then BAM I'm back to my old ways.

 

"Come to me. Draw near to me. Spend time with me," the Lord beckons me. "Read my word. Find what You need in Me. Know me deeper still."

 

"Yes, Lord. I need that. I want to feel you near- I want to know what word you have for me! But I'm busy. I'll try to squeeze you in, but if I can't today, I'll start tomorrow. I'll wake up early and pray and read my Bible tomorrow...."

 

My diet starts tomorrow.

I'll start reading my Bible more tomorrow.

I'll start running again tomorrow.

 

I'll _____________ tomorrow.

Fill in your own blank).

 

So I do it a day or two. And then, I let life happen again. A week later, the cycle begins again.

 

I lack discipline.

And the Lord has been revealing that to me.

So I'm sharing it with you.

Even though it's hard to admit.....

 

I don't really have an answer.

Maybe I need accountability? Motivation? Someone to slap me upside the head?

 

How do you exercise discipline in your life? Is it a struggle for you as well? I'd love to hear from you!